Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
