Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
