Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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