Where did you get a picture of my penis
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
