someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize