Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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