highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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