I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You are the jesus of drinking
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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