He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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