Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
