I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
