i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
