I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you would pick up someone in the library
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
