Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
