Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
