He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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