woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
