hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
