do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
