i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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