Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
MIDGETS
????
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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