you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
