My sheets look like a crime scene.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
