i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
