If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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