I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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