just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
