dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
