i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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