The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
