Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
