Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
