He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
