I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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