I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Someone shattered a urinal.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
