i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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