it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
