why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
