Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
