I wish my penis had an off switch
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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