I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
