We won't sleep together?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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