i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
