I hope mine doesn't look like that
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
