So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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