I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
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