insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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