You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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