I could make wine with my vomit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
