Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
