my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
