My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
