Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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