So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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