Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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