Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
