you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
