Sponge bath it is.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
